Why I stopped writing.

In February 2020 I got the exciting news that I was accepted into the Museum Leadership Institute at Claremont Graduate University. I was beyond excited. I had always thought having a Visitor Services role in museums meant that I had an even steeper hill to climb to prove to the sector that I was a serious professional and worth investing back into. Getting accepted into a program with curators, educators, and other museum leaders was a career highlight for me.

In the second week of March 2020, I had started the online week of lessons. Unfortunately, by the end of the week they had announced that the in-person portion was cancelled and we would be postponing the program for another year as the world had just started to shut down. What the program had already done, was assign to me a mentor in the field, whom I was to meet with virtually once a month over the next six months. In one of our first sessions, my mentor suggested I start writing on medium.com to get my name out there. I had never even heard of the site, but thought what did I have to lose? I started writing. (Quick plug for Polaris, a museum mentor network started out of MLi. If you’re not already connected to a mentor in the field, I highly recommend finding one).

By the time I got to my third article I hit a peak, and it was shared over 4.5k times. It was a thrill. Though short lived. The article that came after that was viewed less than 300 times. So my moment of social media fame was quickly over. That was ok, and I wasn’t derailed. I had more to write about, so I kept writing.

I kept writing through the hardest year of my life, both personally and professionally. I found it easy, and even therapeutic. I loved seeing the occasional comments from people who related to me, or hearing from a former colleague who had seen an article of mine. So I kept writing, and I set a goal for myself of one article a month.

Then in December, 2020, after many months of adjusting to the changes that the pandemic created, I was involved in an incident with a visitor that really shook me. I have been working in visitor services for over a decade. I’m familiar, and even accustomed to the occasional poor treatment, and even harassment from visitors when something goes haywire and an incident escalates. I was not prepared for this one. This time it threatened both my personal and professional life. This time I was rattled. And even in the moment, I remember thinking something like “well, this would be good to write about”.

But then I couldn’t. I couldn’t write about it.

I tried many times, I have a draft version of the article that has been in the edit stage for over 3 months. I think what I’m struggling with is resolution. The event came and went, and hardly anyone but me probably remembers it. The organization tried to show support, but has now moved on to the next pressing issue. So how do I write an article about something terrible that happened to me, without resolution at the end? How do you spin it to a positive, or make it thought provoking, or… how do you find an end, when it still feels fresh and open?

There were times that I thought of writing a different article instead. We tested out dynamic pricing during the holidays and had a lot of success. I could write a more light hearted article about some funny things that visitors do. I could update on masks and county regulations during the pandemic. I tried to write, and still nothing could come out. Writers block is real.

While stumped with writing and career moves, my personal life was moving forward fast and in big ways. I was looking for a puppy and right when I had given up hope because COVID had created such a high demand for pets- I got a call and in less than 24 hours I had my very own pandemic puppy.

Meet Archie.

I got Archie at just 8.5 weeks. I admit now that I had not really thought out having a puppy. I thought I had, but really hadn’t. I had considered that I work remotely three days a week right now, and thought this was the best time to get a dog because I’m home most of the week. I didn’t think about those other two days and finding a way to get home mid-day to let him out during lunch… when I don’t own a car. Or the fact that I love to travel and at some point the world would open up again- and what would I do with a dog then? I didn’t think about being in a high-rise with a yippy dog that would bark and cry when I put him in a crate, even in the middle of interviewing a candidate for hire. I didn’t realize that having a puppy that is potty training in a high rise meant 8 elevator trips a day. It was a steep learning curve. I’m still somewhere in the middle of that curve. Last week I tried to take a bath and brought Archie into the bathroom with me, thinking he would just sleep next to the tub. I forgot to bring any toys or treats, and Archie wasn’t having it. After about 6 minutes of suds, the toilet paper roll was unraveled and everywhere on the floor, the floor was wet from where I had jumped out to stop him, and I was thinking “bad Mom move, next time bring toys”.

Archie kept me busy. So I put off writing a little longer.

Around the same time (within a week actually) that I got Archie, I had also moved out of my old building to a new one. So the first month with a new puppy was also my first month moving into a new apartment. Then family came to town, and then a friend stayed with me for two weeks to get out of the cold DC winter. Time was flying by, and I kept putting off my goal of one article a month.

Then, surprisingly a few weeks ago one of my staff told me that some of the front-line team had read one of my previous articles and were upset about it. I was surprised it was even circulating, since I hadn’t been writing for a while. I was also surprised that there was anything in it that would upset them. I went back to re-read the article they mentioned. It was one about bad morale. I work really hard at making sure what I write isn’t going to backfire against me, my colleagues, or my organization. It is challenging to be actively in a field of work and write in a vulnerable way about it. I think this requirement to walk a fine line, where I try to stay vulnerable but honest in my writing also contributed to the writers block. That horrific incident that I mentioned earlier is a good example of this. I was really unhappy about some of the ways that it was initially handled by the organization. When I write about it, I want to be honest and forthright, but also with care, knowing that I am writing with bias and my own interpretation of events. I didn’t think that the article about team morale was a bad one- or painted anyone in a light different from how I really honestly perceived it. Actually, if they read it again, they would see that I was trying to point out my own bad attitude and how I had to turn it around to be able to help my team.

Early in my career someone told me that I shouldn’t worry about being liked by the people who aren’t doing their jobs well. Doesn’t that seem like a very simple concept? Well most people want to be liked, but in management you sometimes have to let that go. It only matters if the people who are good at their jobs, and performing to the best of their abilities, like and respect you. If the others don’t, then it doesn’t matter. Actually, if they don’t like you- it probably means you’re doing something right. So if someone read that article and misinterpreted it, or was upset by it, I would suggest to that person that they are in a rare situation where they get to see how a manager felt and perceived their actions. Use that. Reflect on that.

Life takes over some times, and best laid plans, or best laid goals just have to get pushed aside. It doesn’t mean failure. I pushed aside writing, but I kept a newborn creature alive, I moved into a new space, I welcomed loved ones who were visiting, and I nurtured an open wound from a rough visitor interaction. When I hit “publish” it means I’m back at it again. I’m back on task, and have another month to go back and try again at editing that difficult unpublished article, or the one on dynamic pricing or funny visitor anecdotes. I have one more month to find that resolution. And even if I don’t do it in a month, or two months, or three- it’s ok. It’s ok to take a breather. It’s ok to step back and refresh.